A Better Simpsons Quiz

Won't someone PLEASE think of the children?

My mom recently shared a Simpsons Trivia Quiz in our family groupchat. It advertised itself as “The World’s Hardest ‘The Simpsons’ Quiz.”

Here’s a link, if you’re interested in trying your hand:

I got an 85% on this quiz, and I was annoyed.

Frankly, this quiz is mediocre as hell. Some of the questions felt stupidly easy, and others felt like information no one could possibly know. Not to throw my dad to the wolves, but he scored worse than I did, and I couldn’t help but feel like… perhaps someone who’s written on the show for literally twenty years should be able to score a B on a quiz about said show?

Additionally, the author gratuitously includes a screed against the majority of the show, which includes the line, “But the shoddy quality of the past two decades has no impact on the brilliance of the early years.“

After some googling, I don’t think Mr. Greene is a Simpsons superfan. I don’t hold that against him - I’m sure he has a ton of media to consume as part of his job, and maybe this article was assigned to him.

But I find the above statement to be an exceptionally boring and philistine opinion. I think it’s highly unlikely Mr. Greene has actually watched a recent season of The Simpsons - the new episodes are really terrific. But taste aside, I kind of feel like if you’re writing a Simpsons trivia quiz, it should be about… the entirety of The Simpsons. You wouldn’t advertise a Harry Potter trivia night as such if you only pulled your questions from the first two books.

I know what you’re thinking: it’s a tall ask for a Simpsons quiz to be written by someone who’s seen every episode. And yet, here you are, reading the Substack of someone who has watched every episode (at least, I think I have… it’s hard to keep track).

While I have indeed co-written two episodes of the show, I am first and foremost a superfan. I love The Simpsons with my whole heart. And - due to my frequent rewatching - I know it very well.

And so I have written what I’m calling, spitefully, “A Better Simpsons Quiz.” Yes, it is a Buzzfeed quiz, because Substack somehow still does not yet have a quiz feature, and because I somehow have not found a better quiz platform in the last decade.

I will say: this quiz is not for the faint of heart! But it is written with knowledge and with love, and it is un-paywalled. And so for the first time - but probably not the last - I say: suck it, Rolling Stone!

El homo,
Johnny

PS - Thank you to all of my fellow superfans who beta-tested this quiz for me. If any of you try your hand at this quiz, reply to this email letting me know how you did!