I Wrote "Muppet Pride and Prejudice"

A Story of a Boy Who Probably Should Have Just Written a New Pilot

I have a problem.

No, not the fact that I don’t really know the difference between Robert De Niro and Al Pacino, which I’ve decided isn’t really an issue, unlike my confusing Caroline Polachek and Caroline Calloway, which was bad until I sorted it out. (For anyone who doesn’t know who those two people are: they’re old Italian actor guys who were in The Godfather.)

The problem I do have is that for as long as I can remember, I’ve been motivated by one driving force: the feeling that I could have done it better. Pretty much all of my major passions have been dictated by seeing someone do something poorly and thinking “I could do that.”

A mediocre 7th grade science teacher is what prompted my desire to be a middle school biology teacher, a dream I pursued all the way up until my freshman year of college when I realized I neither liked biology nor was good at it. Watching Pixar get crappier with each passing year (Turning Red a notable exception) inspired me to get into animation writing. I directed upbeat plays and musicals in college because I was fed up with all the pretentious experimental theater. I even decided to be gay (yes it’s a choice) just to beat then-rising-star Ben Platt. We’re the exact same amount of successful right now, so only time will tell who will win the race.

So you can understand that when I began to see tiktoks and tweets dreamcasting a “Muppet Pride and Prejudice” adaptation, the ol’ trick knee started acting up.

Stunning and gorgeous artwork by yours truly.

Frankly, I am not qualified to do many things. I am qualified to advise you on how to make paper snowflakes. I am qualified to join a book club focusing on YA gay romance novels of the last 10 years. I am qualified (or at least, experienced) in digging a too-shallow grave for a beloved terrier mutt and dragging a large stone atop it just to make sure that she doesn’t resurface after heavy rain (RIP Lula).

And I am, unequivocally, qualified to speak on Muppet Pride and Prejudice. As I saw these people - many of whom, I’m convinced, could not pick Beauregard out of a lineup - speculate on casting, I realized I had to do more than just join the cacophony of voices - I had to write Muppet Pride and Prejudice.

And so I did.

Obviously, many fans of the Muppets and Austen alike have strong opinions on the casting. If you’re interested, I’ve made a video series (that has gone viral on tiktok!) explaining the rationale for my casting decisions:

@jlazebnikPART ONE: I wrote #MuppetPrideandPrejudice. Here’s how I cast it.

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@jlazebnikPART TWO: I wrote #MuppetPrideandPrejudice. Here’s how I cast it. @charithra17

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@jlazebnikPART THREE: I wrote #MuppetPrideandPrejudice. Here’s how I cast it.

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Yes, it’s in three parts, and it took me hours to make. “Anemoia” is a word that I learned recently, which means “nostalgic for something you’ve never experienced.” For me, that is the time when young television writers did not have to be exhaustingly, cringingly online in order to build a career. But you can kvetch, or you can make a tiktok, so I made a tiktok. (Okay, I did both.)

Anyway, without further ado, I will share some snippets from my script. If this holds no interest for you, do not worry - while I will still give you the pop quiz on the material the next time we speak, I’ll be nice and give you the answers now (a, d, b, b, c, “Bawk bawk bawk bawk,” Pepe the King Prawn).

Here’s the first page.

The cast breaks out into song on the next page. As you may imagine, this was the most fun I’ve ever had writing something, and it was nice to feel like the hours I spent watching every episode of the 1970s Muppet Show were in service of something. Here’s a scene inspired directly by that program:

Rizzo the Rat is quite possibly my favorite part of A Muppet Christmas Carol. As such, I gave him a lot of my favorite jokes in this script, including a runner about the names of his relatives:

As a curmudgeonly white guy who often attends the theater with a male companion, Statler and Waldorf have always held a special place in my heart. Here’s a scene in which Elizabeth (Piggy) suffers through an evening with Lady Catherine de Bourgh and her daughter, Ann:

Pepe the King Prawn is another favorite character of mine. I think he really shines as the duplicitous Mr. Wickham:

And, lastly, a Lizzie/Darcy scene, because I know you’re practically frothing at the mouth for it.

If you’ve read this far, wow!! You must really love me. Thank you.

In terms of what will come of this script, I know I can’t expect much. I don’t own the rights to this IP, and Disney probably can’t even legally read it, even if they were interested (though if you’re reading this and know someone who might want to take a general with me… I certainly would not complain!)

My hope is mainly that, upon my death, I will be remembered as the person who put in the effort to think this concept through. Though I’d also be fine with simply being remembered as a hot and chill legend. “Oh, Johnny? Sort of a gay James Dean vibe? He wrote a spec script once,” they will say of me.

Happy Anna Howard Shaw Day to us all. Until the next newsletter,

*Miss Piggy voice* Kissy kissy!