They Have Little Black Thongs in Avatar 2
Happy belated Oscars.
Despite my hatred of both straight culture and cinema, earlier this year I engaged in both - which is to say that my friend Kyle and I went to go see the newest Avatar movie in IMAX 3D. Thirty whole American dollars and three hours later, I exited the theater plagued by a single question: why did they have little black thongs?
If you are one of the 5 people on god’s green earth who did not see the first Avatar, a brief background: the Na’vi (blue guys) are very in-tune with their planet, and positively loathe anything resembling human technology. They are clad in simple loin cloths. So you can understand my confusion when they jump into the water in the sequel film, and we get a glimpse of this -
It’s a little blurry because I ripped this from a youtube trailer, but if you squint, you can see that his rough-sewn loincloth floats to the side, presenting us with a clear view of… what appears to be an immaculate Andrew Christian spandex thong.
I think there’s an explanation for this which probably involves a bunch of animators sitting in a room, discussing the most cost-effective way to prevent young audience members from seeing blue go’nads. But perfectionist J-Cam spent $250 million and thirteen years making this movie… I just don’t believe that any choice in this film was oversight! Instead, I prefer the explanation that this is canon, and the scene explaining it was simply cut for time.
Without further ado, here is how I believe that scene could/should have unfolded.
(A refresher: Jake is the protagonist human that now lives in a Na’vi body, and Ney’tiri is his Na’vi wife.)
A Cut Scene from the New Avatar Film
Jake walks into his treetop home, where his wife is Ney’tiri is weaving a basket or something. She stands and draws him close, her hands drifting to his hips. Suddenly she HISSES, her eyes looking down in shock.
Ney’tiri: Chhh, what is this?!
Jake: It’s something I’ve been meaning to discuss with you.
Ney’tiri: I thought you had done away with the traditions of the sky people. You were Olo'eyktan of my people. Of our people. What do you call this… thing?
Jake: A thong, I suppose. It’s made of spandex.
She lifts his loincloth to reveal a simple black thong. She touches the side of it cautiously with a finger.
Ney’tiri: A tsongh de tspa’andekz.
Jake: I asked the clothing maker Ru’uni to make one for me out of fabric scavenged from the army plane. She made them for all of us, actually.
Ney’tiri recoils, hissing again.
Ney’tiri: Chhh! You would have me wear this? Our children?
Jake: Well, we’re about to spend a lot of time in the water, and I thought these might help us make sure we’re… you know, modest.
Ney’tiri: My people have always worn Yika’yi loin cloths. It’s tradition. Are the crotch coverings of my ancestors not enough?
Jake: I love the loin cloths. Don’t get me wrong. But see, the other day I was talking to our six-year-old daughter, and I realized my penis was fully out.
Ney’tiri: She has seen your penis before.
Jake: Yeahhhh, that’s sorta the point I’m driving at. I’m thinking maybe we don’t make that a habit. Thong keeps everything in a neat little bundle.
Jake pats his “bundle.”
Ney’tiri: Ma Jake, I do not understand this. Eywa has made your penis in her image, and you would cover it up? Do the deep green veins that line the corkscrew shaft not remind you of the twisting ivy that blooms in spring? Are the twin heads coated in barbs not twins to the sharp burrs of the Oakuse’et tree?
Jake: Well –
Ney’tiri: Would you hide from Eywa your testes, clinging to the outside of your translucent scrotum like four Wakuu pups to their mother’s teats?
Jake: Darling, perhaps a little quieter, our neighbors are just through that thin rattan wall–
Ney’tiri: (louder) And your nest of pubic tentacles, which undulate in the breeze like the Gyu’a’sa anemone, exploring with the curiosity and wonder of a newborn. You would ensnare them in this tsongh de tspa’andekz prison?
Jake: Dearest, my pubes caught a small frog yesterday. I didn’t even realize until I got home.
Ney’tiri: And a perfect dessert it made for the little ones. Eywa provides.
Jake: I get it. I really do. It’s not traditional. Just… will you please think about it?
Ney’tiri: I will think on this for you, ma Jake.
She touches his nose with her finger as the eclipse begins, casting them both in soft blue light.
Ney’tiri: I suppose, then, that you would have the females create tsongh de tspa’andekz to conceal our breasts?
Jake: Nah, I don’t think you need to do that.
Ney’tiri: But in the eyes of Eywa, the teats –
Jake: Nah, don’t worry about it, babe. The little strands of shells are fine. Really.
I do believe that the inclusion of this scene would have resulted in a win for Best Picture. If you’re friends with Jimmy RonRons, let him know that I’m available to consult on the threequel.
-Jaa’ni